Girls are sexist.

 

Man, I'm tired. I can't wait 'till math class.

 

I wish I was the Sandman. Then when I threw sand in people's eyes, they would fall asleep instead of beating me up like last time.

 

You know what would really suck? If you died and then some dude's like, "Alrighty now, looks like the next thing you reincarnate into is a dinosaur. Oh wait, they're extinct. Guess you can't come back." Then you'd just be a spirit, wandering around aimlessly. I bet that's where ghosts come from. No wonder they're so bitter and mean.

 

I think that if I was a haunted house, I would start confusing the people really bad. I would say in a deep creepy voice, "STAY IN!" Then they'd be like, "What?" And I'd be like, "Uh, er, ummm, GET OUT!" Then they'd be all confused and they wouldn't know what to do. Then I'd make the walls start to bleed and they'd be like, "AAAAAAAH, The walls are bleeding!" Then they'd find out that it was just Kool-aid and they'd find out that they were just being silly and we'd all have a good laugh, until they drank the Kool-aid and found out there was no sugar in it, 'cause that's just gross.

 

Some day, I'm going to invite someone on a snipe hunt. Then they'll be like, "No way, a snipe hunt is just a prank to ditch people in the middle of nowhere!" Then I and my other friends would come back with this big ol' snipe and we'd cook it over a campfire while telling stories and maybe dancing around the fire or something, then he'd feel stupid because we won't give him any snipe meat 'cause he didn't help.

 

Once I had a pet lemming named Tigger. Turns out bouncing's not what he did best.

 

You know what'd be great? If you burried a trampoline and put grass on top of it. Then you could trip some kid, and he'd be like, "AAAAAAHH!" but then he'd just bounce so he wouldn't get hurt. He might still be mad though and try to beat you up, then you'd have to trip him for real.

 

Sometime I want to kidnap someone. I don't really need the money, but it would be fun to paste all those magazine letters together to make a ransom note.

 

You know what doesn't rhyme with battery? Pencil. You're probably wondering why I just said that. It's one of life's great mysteries, like girls, and bananas. How do they get those things inside the peels?

 

Life is like the internet. You're like, "Oh man, look at all this cool stuff!" Then you find out you have to pay for it.

 

Why is green one of the Christmas colors? Everything green is dead. Maybe that's why the other one is red. I'm scared of Santa.